So today marks the "less than" 2 months phase I'm in right now. I'm at crossroads with my feelings and emotions at this point. It must be quite normal I imagine in the waiting scheme... I'm hoping so. Maybe it's just my stoic tendancy when I become sick... I have no idea.
In less than 2 months, I'll be getting my boyfriend back.
What if what if what if what if what if what if.... you get the picture. I'm a duck on the water, the surface or what you see is calm and serene, inside is like the ducks feet under water... going 100mph to upkeep that look of serenity.
It's extremely frustrating. I have done my best to do what I felt was the plan for me in this waiting game. What if I did this all wrong? What if I was supposed to date? What if I was supposed to go to the singles ward? What if all of these doubts really should've been addressed instead of being pushed aside until he comes home? I have felt like I did everything that I felt I needed to do but forever is such a long time to deal with the decisions you make now... and I want to make the right ones more than I want to be with a certain someone forever... and he knows that. He recognizes and praises my need to follow the plan intended for me rather than going on with what it is that I want to do.
I'm all a mess... as a good friend of mine would say "a hot mess." At least I'm hot I guess... even as I'm sitting and typing all of this stuff out... these what if's don't make any sense to me. You know this isn't right, these thoughts aren't right always come whenever I say them or write them down... so what can't I remember that when they come?! I'm just all over the place. I promise I'm excited to have him home. I'm excited to see his handsome face. I'm excited to be in his comforting arms and to hear that sweet voice of his saying my name and "I love you" into my ear. I miss him. Everything I am misses him. I have never felt so happy than I was when I was with him, I miss that happiness. I have tried to be completely happy while he's been gone but even though I've tried and done the things that I've always wanted to do, I still feel like something is missing. I have felt incomplete for the past 22 months. I just hope that the feeling of completeness comes back. I just hope that the thoughts are nothing to worry about.
I just hope.
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