What is Love?

Not to break out in song... sorry to disappoint. My mind has been mulling over a conversation, or rather, mulling over what I had heard from someone who once used to be so dear to me 4 years ago. I won't go into many details of this night, what was said, or what the situation was. However I would like to spew out a few thoughts I've had since this night and what I've come to find out I had learned over the years about love, letting go, and moving on with life once a lemon has been thrown.

Love is a beautiful and wonderful and if we are not careful, we can be swept off of our feet without warning and carried away to places, feelings, and imaginative scenarios that we swear are real. Sometimes we get so carried away in the feelings of love, that rose colored glasses are put over our eyes and we truly believe that "all is well" and begin to overlook weaknesses in others and write it off without a second thought. I learned that it is vital for us to slow down and truly look at a person's character, habits, tendencies, strengths, and weaknesses to really find out if this match is a good one... we can't afford to live in the honeymoon stage forever, not matter how perfect it may seem.

Yet when you find that person, whom you can love their imperfections perfectly... you. hold. on! You can't let them go no matter what. If that person who you don't want to ever live without is within your reach, you work and work and work to make that relationship last. Comparing my two boys to one another, I realized how much TJ had taught me the importance of working within a relationship instead of discarding it when worries and difficulties came along. There were a couple of times in the course of our dating where I thought TJ and I had a legitmate excuse to breakup because so many others would've but he would always ask "do you want to?" of course, our answers were the same. I realized that it was not ok to throw a relationship to the wayside just because life courses weren't going as planned.

When I was broken up with, it took years to realize this, it was actually a really good thing to happen to me. Even though I physically ached inside for months and wasn't healing quickly and became depressed over "the love of my life" breaking my heart, all of the times with him together and away from him, was a good learning experience. I do not regret it at all. That relationship thing whatever you want to call it, had good times along with bad times.... it was all needed to make me who I am today and realize exactly what it was I truly wanted. I learned how important it was for me to finally let go and find myself and be content with who I was as a person before I could give my love and my whole self to another. I had to have a solid relationship with my Heavenly Father before I could trust my heart to another. I learned how crucial it is to allow God into my relationships and to consult with him before moving forward in that aspect of my life.

I learned to let go of something that this boy was right about but is now questioning: it wouldn't have worked out with us. We were both too young and inexperienced to know who we would've wanted to spend eternity with. We both needed to grow up and because we did and because of that night's conversation, I realized how much I had grown in the 4 years of the heartache and life's different experiences, I realized how different we were now. I walked away from that night with a confirmation that I had chosen right in TJ and moving forward with my life. I had an amazing man who know how special I was and how lucky he was to have me and didn't have to lose me to figure that out.

I don't regret a single thing that has happened to me or the choices I have made... I have become who I am; a stonger, more independant, loving, and compassionate person because of all I've been through. I love myself and I wouldn't change a thing.

Gratitude

Allow me to be quite passe with this post because seeing as how it's Thanksgiving, I've got a lot of thanks to be giving! This year has been a tremendous year for me: one of tremendous growth, adventures, explorations, happiness, sadness, good times, bad times, a year to definitely remember. I've been reflecting and pondering about everything that has happened to me over the past year and what blessings I've recieved whether they were blessings in disguise or what not. Let me just express my thanks for 10 things this year:

First... I'm incredibly grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and the amazing change it has been in my life for the past 9 1/2 years. I believe I have more knowledge and understanding of the workings of God and have a better picture of what the eternal scheme of things. I'm grateful for my Savior and the Atonement in my life. I definitely would not be the same without all that this gospel brings into my life.

Second... I'm so grateful for my family! We are an insane bunch of people and have a tendency to be loud and crass sometimes; they have been an amazing source of support and encouragement when I'm off on my craziest adventure. They have laughed with me, cried with me, yelled with me (and even at me) and I would never have it anyother way. I love my family so much and I am so grateful for the whack jobs that it is made up of.

Third... so this may sound silly but I'm grateful for my dog. He's awesome. Whenever I would come home at 1 or 2 in the morning from a long day of school and work, he would always be the first one to see me and tell me hi.... even if he did stumble over to me from just waking up. He's an awesome dog and loves me no matter what I do to him, he loves to cuddle with me on the couch and my bed and just wants me to pay attention to him. I'm grateful for his love and unconditional patience with me.

Fourth.... I'm sooo grateful that I was able to go to culinary school and do what I ABsolutely love to do! I was so close to not being able to go to school for financial reasons but a miracle occured and I was given a once-in-a-lifetime-opportunity to do what makes me so happy. I'm grateful for the instructors I had at school, the people I got to cook alongside with, the adventure of going to Austria and everyother amazing experience I had while I was there. I grew so much and became my own kind of person from it. I will always be grateful for going to school and learning what I did to make me the cook I am today.

Fifth... I'm grateful for my mentor, Payton... of Chef... of Jefe... or whatever. This man is amazing! Not enough can be said about him and the advice he's given me. He's taught me a lot about patience and working through adversity even if you just feel like walking out everynight. He's my career consultant, my relationship consultant, and now... my hair consultant. I love this man and respect him so much. I can't wait to see what the future holds for both of us in this lovely world of food!

Sixth... this one is definitely odd.... I'm grateful for trials. Yep. Weird I know how can she be grateful for the hard times?! I'll tell you why... because there's always something to be learned from them. I don't believe there are such things as regrets as related to trials as long as you learn from them... if you don't, then time was wasted and you can tend to regret things. Over the years, llife has definitely thrown at me some doozy trials and hard times but I am so grateful for the lessons I had learned and growing up I did in those times. I've learned to look for the silver lining and look for what I can learn in these times and strive to be a better person. Be thankful for your trials because there's always a blessing to be had... you just gotta look for it.

Seventh... I'm grateful for my calling as a Primary teacher. I walk away absolutely exhausted after those two hours every Sunday but I have really learned to love my kids and be a teacher for them. They have taught me a lot about disipline, unconditional love, taking in the simple things and just slowing down for a bit. My kids are a riot but I needed to be their teacher and they needed to be my kids. I'm grateful to re-learn the gospel in such a simple way so that kids can understand important principles for happiness.

Eigth... I'm grateful for my health. I've never had be admitted into the hospital or depend on medications for my health. I've always been really healthy and have never had major life complications that would adversely affect me. I only get a minor cold once a year or less... I've been truly blessed with a healthy and working body

Ninth... shout out to my girls, my fellow MG's. Around August, I joined a support group of other girls waiting for missionaries and honestly... joining this group saved me! These girls are the epitome of faith, perseverance, optimism, devotion, dilligence, and obedience. The road of an MG is not an easy one nor is high sought after... but every single girl will tell you, once it is over and done with, that every single moment had been worth it. These ladies give me hope, reassurance, confidence, courage, strength, and support even when I didn't feel like I was getting much at home for doing what I am. They have always been there for me whenever I needed them and I have tried to be there for everyone of those girls. I am grateful for the Christ-like way in which they handle themselves, other members, and situations they have been placed into. Even though I have never met a majority of them face-to-face, they have become some of my closest friends in all of this and I will be forever grateful for their love and support.

Last... but certainly not least (that saying of save the best for last definitely applies in this instance) I am so grateful for my Honey, my Love, my otherhalf, and my best friend. We have spent more time apart than physically together but it has never really felt like he was so far away. I am so grateful for Taylor Jordan Brady being in my life. When we first met, I had no idea that things would turn out the way that they have; I never would've imagined anything coming from it. Then the second time... still never thought anything of it... then the third time, that's when I started to maybe think that it was more than just coincidence... that maybe there was a reason for him being around and I just needed to pay attention to it. I'm so grateful for who I am when I am around him. I'm grateful for his patience, his logical tendencies, his love, his drive and ambition to always be better. I'm grateful for his dedication to the Lord, for his willing to sacrifice of the certainty of our relationship to do what is his priesthood duty calls him to do and do it with all of his heart, might, mind, and strength. I am grateful for his example to me, for his love and all of his quirks. He is one of the most amazing men I have been blessed to know in my life and am so lucky to call him mine. I'm grateful that when I was so close to giving up and letting go of him, he listened to me, he understood me, but he held on and reminded me of what we had that was too important and too special to let go of. I'm grateful for his faith, for his strength and for his active standing in the church. He has been my best friend for so long and has helped me through so much. He loves me when others would've given up. I don't know what I did to become so lucky in my life, but I know there was a reason he kept showing up in my life and I thanks God every single day for him. He amazes me and I don't want to live without him. Exactly 2 more weeks until he is back home, as a "civi"... it is incredibly unreal and I don't know how to grasp it. As I reread one of his most recent letters, I read a sentence he wrote and it hit me smack in the face "he's so excited to come home to you and see you again!" I'm grateful for his excitement because it just fuels mine!

This year has been remarkable for me. A ton of blessings have been given/recieved and I'm so grateful for everything in my life. I hope to continue to express my gratitude daily for everything and not let it store up until Thanksgiving to truly reflect on my life over a year and be grateful for what I do have. I hope to be ever grateful for even just the small things in life; life itself is something to be grateful for.

Today Is a Special Day

Not only is today letter day (it's Thursday!!!), but today is the 32 monthiversary of my love and I being together! Carazy!! Who knew you'd have so much fun with someone for 32 straight months! I was telling this to Kendahl today because I had been thinking about it all day today, it's amazing how being with the right person just feels like that's how it's always been, no matter how long you've been with them. For me, it honestly feels like TJ and I have been together our whole lives, when really... in the eternal scheme of things, it's only been moments. I LOVE it!Today also marks 20 days left... Holy. Freakin. Are you serious?! Is this reeeeeallly happening? I would be sooooooo upset if I woke up tomorrow morning from this super realistic dream and had it dawn on me that he had just left the day before. This has honestly popped into my head. However, I can distinguish reality from my vivid imagination luckily!I got the most amazing letter from him today. I just couldn't help but imagine him in my head, like what he really looks like; what his facial expressions where as he wrote this letter. Imagine the thoughts running through his precious head as he tried to tell me the important things in this weeks letter. Sometimes I feel bad for being sooo excited to have him come home when I know hoe much he loves his mission and being a missionary. I know that the other missionaries, mission president, members, and investigators all love him over there and I sometimes I feel like I'm selfish for wanting him home in 20 days. But then I quickly get over it as the next wave of excitement and oh my goodness oh my goodness hits me and I feel like I'm going to go into cardiac arrest at any moment.Some of my fellow MG's are throwing me a "graduation" party this weekend! I love girls nights and I love that sooo many people are excited for me! I'm excited for me too!Honestly though. Today has been a special day and I've been so happy these last few days. I'm enoying this prep time! It's exciting and before I know it, the day will be here and I will be on a respirator trying to keep myself alive. I just need to get my hair did (finally) and grab a few things for that FABulous reunion outfit! Gotta knock him dead!

It All Comes Down to Faith

I'll admit, with the time winding down to the homecoming/reunion, I sometimes begin to worry about the what if's. The biggest one is "what if it just doesn't feel right after 2 years when we see each other?" And it's scary... to think that I've spent 2 1/2 years with someone (most of the time with him away) and it just might not work out when everything is all settled and we can finally take a breath once again... my mind has been going on and off. Yet, as I think about these things through, I recieve comfort that all is ok and to have faith.
Faith. Such an interesting attribute. Just when I think I have it, something comes along to knock me down and I end up thinking "where's my faith?! I just had it!" and it takes me sometime to regain my position and become strong once more. I do have faith, I really do. Just sometimes I forget it or forget what I know when I am in my despairing thoughts.
Throughout the mission, I've had worries ie "what if's?" but never felt compelled do act upon them. Weird I know. Here's a little story for you wonderful readers:
Once upon a time I was in real like with this guy and while he and I were both off at school, I began to feel like I needed to break whatever it was we had, off. I was confused as to why I had these feelings and began to read my scriptures for an answer. I was impressed to go to a scripture in D&C and as I read it, I felt happy that I had found an answer but, at the time, had no idea what it meant. Later, my heart was broken by this boy and I reflected back on that scripture often.
Fast forward about 4 years, I am on the last leg of the waiting for a missionary. Like I had said before, I have had what if's and freak outs throughout the whole mission and yet something has always comforted me and have always felt like I needed to continue on in this journey. I cannot tell you how many times I have read my scriptures to get my answer from the Lord, fully expecting that same scripture in D&C from before to pop into my mind, and yet being directed to scriptures about faith and trusting in the Lord. I'm sure that looking back 5 years from now, in hindsight, I'll say to myself "how could you not know what that meant?!" I'm a slow learner at times it seems...
One scripture that I've always come to and has stuck out in my mind is found in Matthew 14, the latter end of the chapter. Before, in these types of instances, my mind has always been drawn to the part where Peter goes out and walks on water to talk to Christ and when he is within arms reach of the Lord, he begins to lose faith and sinks within the water. The part that had stuck out to me always has been vs 31 when Christ "immediately stretched forth his hand and caught him and said unto him, O ye of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?" That part had helped me through so much to know that there was no need to doubt with Christ so close to my side to be there and lift me up when I began to worry.
However, today my mind was drawn to an earlier part of the story. I was sitting in church not totally paying attention to the first speaker until he began to tell this story and it was his emphasis on the 25th verse which said "and in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea." For some reason this really caught my attention and it caused my mind to mull it over. Sometimes when we ask for relief or for comfort or for saving or for any kind of answer we may need, it isn't until the fourth watch of the night, or until the last minute that we are given what we desired, if that's what the Lord willed. Sometimes we are made to wait and have our faith tested until He comes to help, comfort, reassure or whatever the case may be. I just began to feel that my faith during this trial will continue to be tested until the fourth watch. That I have to wait until the very end to get what I've been asking for: for comfort, validation, reassurance, and strength.
Funny how faith works. Faith requires patience in the Lord and His timing. It requires you to become humble enough for the answer and for the wait to have the mysteries of God unfolded.
"Sometimes beautiful things come into our lives out of nowhere. We can't always understand them, but we have to trust in them. I know you want to question everything, but sometimes it pays to just have a little faith.” I guess it all just comes down to faith, especially in the last moments of the wait.

30 DAYS LEFT!!!!!!

This face says it all...

I'm quite excited about this! Tomorrow is exactly one month and I couldn't be happier {that is until I see his face again...}

That's it.

Happy Thoughts For a Happy Day

Just having a Sunday full of random and yet somewhat related thoughts... Pondering.

She's never been one to wait around. She's always moving and dancing and running.
But for some reason, with him,
She's patient. she'll wait.
She'll wait for nobody, and nothing else, except him
.....................................................................................
If you want a thing bad enough to go out and fight for it, work day and night for it, give up your peace and your sleep and your time for it. If only your desire makes your aim higher never to tire of it. If life seems all empty and useless without it, and all that you dream and you scheme is about it. If gladly you'll fret for it, sweat for it, pray with all your strength for it. If you'll only go after the thing that you want with all your capacity, strength, and sagacity, faith hope and confidence, stern pertinacity. If neither poverty nor pain nor famish and gaunt, can keep you away from the thing that you want, if dogged and grim you besiege the beset it, guess what, you'll get it!

.....................................................................................
The Missionary's Girl:

Somewhere between the whirl of teen-age dates and the responsibility of matrimony, we find a lone creature called the Missionary's Girl.

They come in two varieties... engaged and hopefuls. They come in assorted sizes, weights, and colors, blue being the most common.

The missionary's girl is found at home, missing parties (Just the parties that have overzealous RM's), staying away from dances (too depressing without ??? there), paying her own way to the movies, and buying stationary by the gross.

Missionaries love them, young girls look up to them, parents tolerate them, postmen hate them, and weekly letters support them.

A missionary's girl is a composite. She has the appetite of a hormonally unstable 18-year-old girl, the enthusiasm of a wet noodle, the patience of Job, the persistence of a stainless steel salesman and the imagination of Scherazade.

She likes letters from the mission field, invitations to his home, long distance telephone calls, items for his scrapbook, pictures of him, and other girls who are waiting (I LOVE my MGs!).

She isn't much for Saturday nights out on the town ; people who say, "Two years is a long time"; or “Don’t waste your time” or the classic “ so much can happen in two years” , new clothes with no one to wear them for; sad movies and music; movies with love scenes; knitting; wedding receptions; little sisters who date; calenders; and "Dear Janes."
A missionary's girl is an odd object: She can get lonesome, discouraged, and temporarily lose faith in the whole missionary system. No one else can write such cheerful letters in such a rotten mood. No one else can get such a thrill at the end of the day by the words, "Why yes, there is a letter for you." Nobody else is so early to bed and so early to rise.(More like....Nobody else is capable of writing such competent, lengthy, and entertaining letters in the wee hours of the morning.)
A missionary's girl is virtue with no chance to be otherwise, faith with twenty-four months to wait, prudence with 69 cents in her savings account, and beauty with no one to give a darn.

Yes, she is all this, but it will all be forgotten the day he receives his letter of release and, upon his arrival home she will probably utter the words she once considered trite, "It hasn't seemed like any time at all!"

.....................................................................................
“You’re incredible, Marlee… I can’t imagine anyone more amazing, and I could never ask for someone better"

“I love you more than you know, Marlee Michelle"

“Like before we were dating I thought you were cute, but now you’re just the most beautiful thing in my world.”

“I’m very much in love with the kind of girl you are"

“I love you with everything I have Marlee. I couldn’t love someone else this much. I want you to know that.”

“I miss you, your love pushes me to strive for perfection!"

“You already know I’d be the happiest man in the world with you. I’m already the happiest boyfriend"

“Yes!! That makes me so happy! We’ve waited 20 years for this Baby :D” cont… “Oh but I already have you. Twenty two will just be when I’ll have the guarantee that I can keep you.”

“I love that I’m in love with my best friend Baby Girl.”

“You are so precious to me, Marlee. You’re my everything.”

“I adore you. I can’t wait for you to be my wife.”

And finally...

“Well she became my best friend after months of talking to me, till she learned all about me and what was going on in my life and she trusted me with what was going on with her too, and she genuinely cared about me and loved to help. Then we started to hang out and realized we love to do a bunch of the same things and had a ton in common with each other and I found out I had more fun with her than with anyone else. Then added on to that was the fact that she was always there for me when I was sad or sick or needed her some way, and she just slowly became my best friend and the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

Just 31 more days... Complete bliss {happy sigh}

5 Weeks

Today has been an absolutely fantastic day! For one reason

I woke up this morning and remembered that today marked 5 weeks left! Huge deal here! This past week I've had a hard time dealing with a mental battle from things said earlier from a friend which really rattled me. I began to question everything and freaking out about my relationship with my Honey. Then today... it all hit me; from what a temple worker said this morning, what my Love said in his letter today, what another close friend said about him, shopping for the makings of his Christmas present... I have an amazing man next to me. I can stop worrying and begin to have faith in this wonderful person that I have been extremely blessed to have in my life and to have hope in the future. It can be terrifying at times but this guy has made it worth everything these past {almost} two years. All of the tears, worries, anxiety, sleepless nights, heartaches, he is worth it! The happiness I feel whenever I am with him, when I get letters from him is inexpressible. The feeling of everything just fitting and falling into place with him is incomparable. Knowing that he loves me unconditionally and without restraint is priceless. Knowing that I can trust him with my heart and that he will take care of me for eternity is comforting. I've known this very early in our relationship, that I could marry him, that he was everything I had ever wanted and always needed and even more. That he is the rightest of right for me, my other {and better} half, my knight in shining armor, my Prince Charming, my best friend, fellow adventurer, the love of my life, the one I want to spend forever and ever with. He's everything.
Many people have told us that 2 years would tear us apart, that I wouldn't wait, that too much would change, he wouldn't want me, I'd find someone better. On and on... they weren't supportive at first, for a very long time. Sometimes I had listened to what they said and grew to worry but Taylor was always right behind to knock some sense into me and to remind me of what was real and not speculation. He's never given me reason to doubt him or his love or commitment. He's always been so supportive of me and whatever I wanted to do. He's written me every single week of his mission. He's always been so loving and caring and absolutely compassionate to me. He has made the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life just a bit easier. Nobody could ever make waiting easy, but he made it bearable and easier.
With 5 weeks left until I see him, I've decided that I'm going to give up on worrying, give up on the questions... everything negative I'm just going to put it aside and let it be. I'm going to live up the next 34 days and enjoy this time of preparation to see my man again! I've got quite a bit to do so I have to stay on top of it and I want to be happy during it all! No more mopey for me, no more frowns or being depressed or beaten up. I'm going to be ecstatic the next few weeks for my Love to be home and not stress about a thing. There's no reason for it! He's coming home and it's going to be the best day of my life! All thanks to him!

I've had the best 2 years of my life and I owe it all to him

First of November...

Yes.. It is the day after Halloween

Yes.. It is in fact the first day of November

Yes.. It is Tuesday...

However, that's not all!

Today marks the last month ever being away from my Honey of Honey's! I'm quite stok'd about this (I am Californian... I do not excused myself). Lots of changes are about to happen here... mucho preparations are going to start to be made. My skin clearing regime, healthier eating, more walks/runs (mostly to reduce anxiety), attending the temple more frequently, adjusting my schedule.... I may or may not also be thinking about getting a body wave in my hair. Opinions??? Please comment to leave your thoughts, advice, and opinions on my hair. My mom has always said that I should get a perm, I love curly hair, my boy LOVES when my hair is curly... I'm just scared. It's like getting a new style or cutting a significant chunk of your hair off, it's new and I need support ya'll! So here's my hair now

me on the right

And I want my lovely hair to kinda looked like this hairstyle

And this one

had a love child and created a wonderful combination of both. I would be happy with that. I could live with my hair looking like this for 3 months! I just need to find someone near me that could do this and not ruin my beautiful hair! Please comment and let me know, faithful readers... what you think! I need to get the hair done, no later than December 1.... one month people! One. Month! Ready... and go!