So... I'm probably the BIGGEST worry wort you'll ever meet... well there are probably bigger ones out there I'm quite sure. But I'm pretty bad. I constantly worry about things that I really have no reason to just to give my mind something to do. It's been a problem since I was 16 and was the main confidant for my parents when they were going through troubles in their marriage. It's terrible for me to say but they're the big reason why I'm so stinkin scared to get married at times. It's gotten to the point where there have been times where I'm ok with never getting married just to keep away from "choosing" the wrong person and messing up the rest of eternity for me. However... I know that's not what I need to be doing. In fact, it's a commandment to be married if/when we do find someone good enough for us. I know that... still scares me from time to time.
Recently there've been blog posts, comments, posts on facebook about married couples splitting up, divorcing, dating people breaking up and knowing about all of this just reignites that consuming fear of "what if," it's debilitating, it's hindering, it's not healthy but I don't know how to stop it. Even though I've had my "answer" and feel good about where the boy and I are at, sometimes something somewhere will ignite the "what if's" and I'm back into a downward spiral of second guessing and self doubting. I have no confidence, or if I do... it's very minimal. It's really frustrating for me to deal with and disheartening because then I begin to wonder if I'm even really doing what the Lord wants me to do in regards to waiting or life in general... or if I'm just righteously ruining my life mucho.
This morning was an especially rough morning where I began to wonder if my doubts were coming from the adversary or if the Lord was trying to get to really look at my relationship and get me to reconsider things. I spent the whole day in mental turmoil, despite the excruciating headache I had for 4 hours, mulling over every little thing that has happened to me over the past 2 years and if I was reading too much into anything. I was pleading in my head for relief of this battle going on and remembered that today was the infamous Letter Day and that gave me something to look forward to. I finally got home after a very long day and immediately grabbed my letter and went into my room. A big portion of his letter was dedicated to faith, hope, and following the Lord's plan for us as a couple and us as individuals. I felt this overwhelming wave of comfort and deep reassurance that this is what I need to be doing at this time. My worries and what if's have disappeared now and I'm still in awe that everything I was worrying about this week (of which my boy knew nothing of may I remind you) was addressed in the letter. I have no idea how this is done really, so perfectly to a "t," it just constantly reminds me that the Lord is in charge and He knows what I need, when I need it, and from whom I need it the most. I'm so grateful for His guidance in my life and for the love He has for me.
Next week marks 4 1/2 months left! I can't believe it's coming so soon!
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