After the Trial of Faith

It's been FOR-EV-er since I have been able to post for you darling blog stalkers of mine. Wedding planning is quite the second job to take up... I'm so glad to have one job once more. However, this whole process has been an amazing learning experience and truly has become a window into our souls. I have truly learned how much he loves me and how willing he is to do anything for me. How anxious he is to make me happy and how that joy fuels any and everything he has in his life. My fiance has truly been an amazing blessing in my life. Waiting for him was worth every tear shed, worry eever worried, and heart race experienced.

In the beginning of my engagement, I was soooo worried if I had made the right decision; if marriage was really what was right for me and for us. This is one choice that must not be taken lightly and I was worrying myself sick over it. Over time though, with Taylor's patience, love, and understanding, I began to finally see that this trial was a blessing in disguise. The past month and a half have really brought me closer to my Father in Heaven and to my Sweetheart. I've learned what path was right for me and to be confident in the choices I have made. Things have unnaturally fallen into place as far as wedding planning has gone; bargains have been reached, deals have been found, favors have been extended... it's been incredible.

Taylor has been a very active participant in wedding planning since I work full time; it has been amazing what that has done for me. We had begun to worry that he wasn't working for the past 2 1/2 months since he's been home and how are we going to afford to live together after the wedding if he doesn't work?! but we have come to learn that we needed to trust in the Lord that if getting married was what we needed to do, that all would work out. And today... Taylor is starting work! I can't even begin to get used to all of the blessings we've been given but it's been a testament to my faith and the placement of it.

I am truly the luckiest girl in the world to have the fiance that I do have. He has been an angel in my life and I don't know where I'd be without him. Less than a month until I become his wife for time and eternity... I don't know how I was deemed worthy of this but I'm liking this!

My Darling Taylor,

We did it!

Yours Forever,

Marlee Michelle

This Is It!

Holy cow! Holy cow! Holy cow!!!

Now I know this isn't THE post ya'll are waiting for... that'll come within this coming weekend... It's slowly but surely hitting me that he is coming home tomorrow.. I'll see him tomorrow and he'll be here!! I can't believe it! It's such a surreal thing to experience, I'm slightly freaking out {in a good way though!}. Lately I've been thinking over the past two years and all that's happened to me to make me who I am today. Just wanted to share with you wonderful people the things on my mind in hopes that it might be of help to some of you in whatever situation you may be in.

I've learned how to live for me and put myself first. My biggest dream was to go to culinary school to launch my path into becoming a chef and you know what... I did it! I finally let go of the path that I was on, which wasn't making me the happiest, and embraced the career I wanted since I could remember!

I grew some tough skin over the past two years, let me tell you. Quite a few people shared with me their "opinions" on my decision to wait for my boyfriend on his mission. I got the classic "arguements" against it and I realize that some were said in my best interest and because they just want me to be happy. In the beginning, I took it all too personal... then I realized I just needed it to roll off my shoulders and keep going with what I felt was right despite what others said. I learned to stand on my own two feet even if I was alone. Over the months and years, I've learned how to filter through everyone's two cents and who I needed to listen to. I'm grateful for everything that I've had to go through to get to be where I am today.

Going into this, I knew waiting was going to be hard... really hard. I never knew how much though. Yet, I never knew how much of a blessing this would be to me. I could never fathom the kind of growth I've experienced over the past two years. Nobody ever told be this side of the story... the ones who make it, the ones who found the two years to be worth it... I never knew. I'm so glad that I've had this time to get to know though, that this can be done!

There were a few time where I wanted to hang up my hat and count my losses. There was just something about that boy and this whole thing that kept me from doing it. I realized that you don't give up when times get tough, you put your head down and get to work. When things get hard... that's when you need to look at your other and figure out if it's worth it. Let me tell you all... it has been more than worth it!

So tomorrow, I'm going to have quite the day. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep in a bit, go to the temple, do some shopping for me and my bro, then go home and work on his Christmas present, then get ready... my heart will be making it's way out of my chest right around then and I'm sure legitmate freaking out shall commence. I get to see my Honey in less than 24 hours! 2 years has been a very long time and I never thought it would ever be over... and yet here we are! My post that I've been waiting to write for a long time! Our Forever After will start to begin soon and I can't wait!

A big thanks to all who have stood by me through all of this. Friends, family, MG's... even those with disparaging comments who have turned around to support me in the end. Those comments never gave me the fire to prove them wrong but just helped me develop into my own person. To learn to think for myself and really know what I truly know. These 2 years have been such a journey and I'm so thankful that I've been able to take it with the man who would stay by my side through thick and thin. He's been such an amazing example to me and I love him with everything I have. He has been worth all the wait and I can't wait to see his amazing face and move forward with us now!

T-minus 22 hours and counting. Stay tuned.

The Lasts

This is a quickie dear stalkers. This is the last week of him gone. I wrote his last letter tonight. This is the last of a lot of things... but I'm quite excited for the beginning of a whole new rounds of firsts and news... it's incredible to think that I'll have to get used to a boyfriend again... that I'll actually have a date on Friday and Saturday nights. That my plans, desires, and wishes will all be following through with now.... the way I've come to look at it is that I'm leaving one way of life in exchange for another. Granted, it's a much better life I'm exchanging for, don't get me wrong; it's just an adjustment of going with the familiar on to something new and spectacular. I'm feeling all sorts of emotions and thinking all kinds of thoughts all at the same time... it can be quite exhausting let me tell you. But I'm grateful for everything that I have been blessed with. I see him in 7 days. At this moment in one week, I'll be in his arms again... seeing him, touching him, and knowing that he's real and does exist after all this time! It's been a wonderful ride and I'd like to leave you lovelies with a poem I wrote almost two years ago about my decision to stick with him through this mission. Enjoy.


Voices (Safe at Sea)

Voices carried in the wind
Are rushing, pounding in.
I am out at sea,
Everyone is trying to save me.
Safely in Poseidon’s net am I found
Yet they all try to come around.

Too many voices inside my mind
Drowning my confidence I had fought to find.
Doubt, question, insecurity cloud up my clear sky
Now make me look at my perfect picture and ask why?
Tis not good fortune to make the Creator question her work
For she followed exactly, her Masters perfect book.

The sea was to liberate me
Free to wait and see
Gain the freedom to say “let it be”
I know I am incomplete
For right now it seems
Night can hold my worst dreams.

Faith, hope, and love
Memories, letters, and songs
Will keep me safe, make sure I hold on.
“Have trust in me,
Doubt not, can you not see?
I will last, I am strong
I will prove faithful, I will not be torn.”

The winds yell out “you cannot know
You are too young and still need to grow.”
To them, time is far
Distance too long to make the bar
If my journey be safe at sea,
Do not save but oh, please, support me.

For while my love be in a different clime
Calm the rushing wind and the boisterous chime
Crowd me not and make me not ashamed
Do not discourage but uplift the unmaimed.
“You’ll make it, ‘tis not a long time,
He told you “our lasting love is true
It is what will see us this journey through.
We both know for certainty
It is you and me for eternity.’”

Special posts to follow in the coming week.

Today Is a Special Day

Not only is today letter day (it's Thursday!!!), but today is the 32 monthiversary of my love and I being together! Carazy!! Who knew you'd have so much fun with someone for 32 straight months! I was telling this to Kendahl today because I had been thinking about it all day today, it's amazing how being with the right person just feels like that's how it's always been, no matter how long you've been with them. For me, it honestly feels like TJ and I have been together our whole lives, when really... in the eternal scheme of things, it's only been moments. I LOVE it!Today also marks 20 days left... Holy. Freakin. Are you serious?! Is this reeeeeallly happening? I would be sooooooo upset if I woke up tomorrow morning from this super realistic dream and had it dawn on me that he had just left the day before. This has honestly popped into my head. However, I can distinguish reality from my vivid imagination luckily!I got the most amazing letter from him today. I just couldn't help but imagine him in my head, like what he really looks like; what his facial expressions where as he wrote this letter. Imagine the thoughts running through his precious head as he tried to tell me the important things in this weeks letter. Sometimes I feel bad for being sooo excited to have him come home when I know hoe much he loves his mission and being a missionary. I know that the other missionaries, mission president, members, and investigators all love him over there and I sometimes I feel like I'm selfish for wanting him home in 20 days. But then I quickly get over it as the next wave of excitement and oh my goodness oh my goodness hits me and I feel like I'm going to go into cardiac arrest at any moment.Some of my fellow MG's are throwing me a "graduation" party this weekend! I love girls nights and I love that sooo many people are excited for me! I'm excited for me too!Honestly though. Today has been a special day and I've been so happy these last few days. I'm enoying this prep time! It's exciting and before I know it, the day will be here and I will be on a respirator trying to keep myself alive. I just need to get my hair did (finally) and grab a few things for that FABulous reunion outfit! Gotta knock him dead!

It All Comes Down to Faith

I'll admit, with the time winding down to the homecoming/reunion, I sometimes begin to worry about the what if's. The biggest one is "what if it just doesn't feel right after 2 years when we see each other?" And it's scary... to think that I've spent 2 1/2 years with someone (most of the time with him away) and it just might not work out when everything is all settled and we can finally take a breath once again... my mind has been going on and off. Yet, as I think about these things through, I recieve comfort that all is ok and to have faith.
Faith. Such an interesting attribute. Just when I think I have it, something comes along to knock me down and I end up thinking "where's my faith?! I just had it!" and it takes me sometime to regain my position and become strong once more. I do have faith, I really do. Just sometimes I forget it or forget what I know when I am in my despairing thoughts.
Throughout the mission, I've had worries ie "what if's?" but never felt compelled do act upon them. Weird I know. Here's a little story for you wonderful readers:
Once upon a time I was in real like with this guy and while he and I were both off at school, I began to feel like I needed to break whatever it was we had, off. I was confused as to why I had these feelings and began to read my scriptures for an answer. I was impressed to go to a scripture in D&C and as I read it, I felt happy that I had found an answer but, at the time, had no idea what it meant. Later, my heart was broken by this boy and I reflected back on that scripture often.
Fast forward about 4 years, I am on the last leg of the waiting for a missionary. Like I had said before, I have had what if's and freak outs throughout the whole mission and yet something has always comforted me and have always felt like I needed to continue on in this journey. I cannot tell you how many times I have read my scriptures to get my answer from the Lord, fully expecting that same scripture in D&C from before to pop into my mind, and yet being directed to scriptures about faith and trusting in the Lord. I'm sure that looking back 5 years from now, in hindsight, I'll say to myself "how could you not know what that meant?!" I'm a slow learner at times it seems...
One scripture that I've always come to and has stuck out in my mind is found in Matthew 14, the latter end of the chapter. Before, in these types of instances, my mind has always been drawn to the part where Peter goes out and walks on water to talk to Christ and when he is within arms reach of the Lord, he begins to lose faith and sinks within the water. The part that had stuck out to me always has been vs 31 when Christ "immediately stretched forth his hand and caught him and said unto him, O ye of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?" That part had helped me through so much to know that there was no need to doubt with Christ so close to my side to be there and lift me up when I began to worry.
However, today my mind was drawn to an earlier part of the story. I was sitting in church not totally paying attention to the first speaker until he began to tell this story and it was his emphasis on the 25th verse which said "and in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea." For some reason this really caught my attention and it caused my mind to mull it over. Sometimes when we ask for relief or for comfort or for saving or for any kind of answer we may need, it isn't until the fourth watch of the night, or until the last minute that we are given what we desired, if that's what the Lord willed. Sometimes we are made to wait and have our faith tested until He comes to help, comfort, reassure or whatever the case may be. I just began to feel that my faith during this trial will continue to be tested until the fourth watch. That I have to wait until the very end to get what I've been asking for: for comfort, validation, reassurance, and strength.
Funny how faith works. Faith requires patience in the Lord and His timing. It requires you to become humble enough for the answer and for the wait to have the mysteries of God unfolded.
"Sometimes beautiful things come into our lives out of nowhere. We can't always understand them, but we have to trust in them. I know you want to question everything, but sometimes it pays to just have a little faith.” I guess it all just comes down to faith, especially in the last moments of the wait.

30 DAYS LEFT!!!!!!

This face says it all...

I'm quite excited about this! Tomorrow is exactly one month and I couldn't be happier {that is until I see his face again...}

That's it.

Happy Thoughts For a Happy Day

Just having a Sunday full of random and yet somewhat related thoughts... Pondering.

She's never been one to wait around. She's always moving and dancing and running.
But for some reason, with him,
She's patient. she'll wait.
She'll wait for nobody, and nothing else, except him
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If you want a thing bad enough to go out and fight for it, work day and night for it, give up your peace and your sleep and your time for it. If only your desire makes your aim higher never to tire of it. If life seems all empty and useless without it, and all that you dream and you scheme is about it. If gladly you'll fret for it, sweat for it, pray with all your strength for it. If you'll only go after the thing that you want with all your capacity, strength, and sagacity, faith hope and confidence, stern pertinacity. If neither poverty nor pain nor famish and gaunt, can keep you away from the thing that you want, if dogged and grim you besiege the beset it, guess what, you'll get it!

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The Missionary's Girl:

Somewhere between the whirl of teen-age dates and the responsibility of matrimony, we find a lone creature called the Missionary's Girl.

They come in two varieties... engaged and hopefuls. They come in assorted sizes, weights, and colors, blue being the most common.

The missionary's girl is found at home, missing parties (Just the parties that have overzealous RM's), staying away from dances (too depressing without ??? there), paying her own way to the movies, and buying stationary by the gross.

Missionaries love them, young girls look up to them, parents tolerate them, postmen hate them, and weekly letters support them.

A missionary's girl is a composite. She has the appetite of a hormonally unstable 18-year-old girl, the enthusiasm of a wet noodle, the patience of Job, the persistence of a stainless steel salesman and the imagination of Scherazade.

She likes letters from the mission field, invitations to his home, long distance telephone calls, items for his scrapbook, pictures of him, and other girls who are waiting (I LOVE my MGs!).

She isn't much for Saturday nights out on the town ; people who say, "Two years is a long time"; or “Don’t waste your time” or the classic “ so much can happen in two years” , new clothes with no one to wear them for; sad movies and music; movies with love scenes; knitting; wedding receptions; little sisters who date; calenders; and "Dear Janes."
A missionary's girl is an odd object: She can get lonesome, discouraged, and temporarily lose faith in the whole missionary system. No one else can write such cheerful letters in such a rotten mood. No one else can get such a thrill at the end of the day by the words, "Why yes, there is a letter for you." Nobody else is so early to bed and so early to rise.(More like....Nobody else is capable of writing such competent, lengthy, and entertaining letters in the wee hours of the morning.)
A missionary's girl is virtue with no chance to be otherwise, faith with twenty-four months to wait, prudence with 69 cents in her savings account, and beauty with no one to give a darn.

Yes, she is all this, but it will all be forgotten the day he receives his letter of release and, upon his arrival home she will probably utter the words she once considered trite, "It hasn't seemed like any time at all!"

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“You’re incredible, Marlee… I can’t imagine anyone more amazing, and I could never ask for someone better"

“I love you more than you know, Marlee Michelle"

“Like before we were dating I thought you were cute, but now you’re just the most beautiful thing in my world.”

“I’m very much in love with the kind of girl you are"

“I love you with everything I have Marlee. I couldn’t love someone else this much. I want you to know that.”

“I miss you, your love pushes me to strive for perfection!"

“You already know I’d be the happiest man in the world with you. I’m already the happiest boyfriend"

“Yes!! That makes me so happy! We’ve waited 20 years for this Baby :D” cont… “Oh but I already have you. Twenty two will just be when I’ll have the guarantee that I can keep you.”

“I love that I’m in love with my best friend Baby Girl.”

“You are so precious to me, Marlee. You’re my everything.”

“I adore you. I can’t wait for you to be my wife.”

And finally...

“Well she became my best friend after months of talking to me, till she learned all about me and what was going on in my life and she trusted me with what was going on with her too, and she genuinely cared about me and loved to help. Then we started to hang out and realized we love to do a bunch of the same things and had a ton in common with each other and I found out I had more fun with her than with anyone else. Then added on to that was the fact that she was always there for me when I was sad or sick or needed her some way, and she just slowly became my best friend and the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

Just 31 more days... Complete bliss {happy sigh}

5 Weeks

Today has been an absolutely fantastic day! For one reason

I woke up this morning and remembered that today marked 5 weeks left! Huge deal here! This past week I've had a hard time dealing with a mental battle from things said earlier from a friend which really rattled me. I began to question everything and freaking out about my relationship with my Honey. Then today... it all hit me; from what a temple worker said this morning, what my Love said in his letter today, what another close friend said about him, shopping for the makings of his Christmas present... I have an amazing man next to me. I can stop worrying and begin to have faith in this wonderful person that I have been extremely blessed to have in my life and to have hope in the future. It can be terrifying at times but this guy has made it worth everything these past {almost} two years. All of the tears, worries, anxiety, sleepless nights, heartaches, he is worth it! The happiness I feel whenever I am with him, when I get letters from him is inexpressible. The feeling of everything just fitting and falling into place with him is incomparable. Knowing that he loves me unconditionally and without restraint is priceless. Knowing that I can trust him with my heart and that he will take care of me for eternity is comforting. I've known this very early in our relationship, that I could marry him, that he was everything I had ever wanted and always needed and even more. That he is the rightest of right for me, my other {and better} half, my knight in shining armor, my Prince Charming, my best friend, fellow adventurer, the love of my life, the one I want to spend forever and ever with. He's everything.
Many people have told us that 2 years would tear us apart, that I wouldn't wait, that too much would change, he wouldn't want me, I'd find someone better. On and on... they weren't supportive at first, for a very long time. Sometimes I had listened to what they said and grew to worry but Taylor was always right behind to knock some sense into me and to remind me of what was real and not speculation. He's never given me reason to doubt him or his love or commitment. He's always been so supportive of me and whatever I wanted to do. He's written me every single week of his mission. He's always been so loving and caring and absolutely compassionate to me. He has made the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life just a bit easier. Nobody could ever make waiting easy, but he made it bearable and easier.
With 5 weeks left until I see him, I've decided that I'm going to give up on worrying, give up on the questions... everything negative I'm just going to put it aside and let it be. I'm going to live up the next 34 days and enjoy this time of preparation to see my man again! I've got quite a bit to do so I have to stay on top of it and I want to be happy during it all! No more mopey for me, no more frowns or being depressed or beaten up. I'm going to be ecstatic the next few weeks for my Love to be home and not stress about a thing. There's no reason for it! He's coming home and it's going to be the best day of my life! All thanks to him!

I've had the best 2 years of my life and I owe it all to him