My Competition Adventure

Alright, I'm done waiting for pictures to come and quite frankly... I'll just add them whenever they come. I do have quite a bit anyway of the competition and the trip as a whole and I know that you faithful readers are waiting to hear about all of what happened so far far away in Innsbruck, Austria about a month ago. Enjoy the story time!

First, let me tell you about the logisitcs of the competition. The Big Cooking Contest is a cooking competition unlike any other in the world. A team of two is given a mystery basket, a basket containing random ingredients which the team must include in a dish. They are allowed to use a pantry to supplement anything that they might need. They are given a total of 40 mintues to look over the basket, plan their dish, write a menu, and execute the dish. Once the team has written out the menu, they are allowed to start cooking. Got it? Good! It's exciting let me tell you! Now a little background on the Red Team: the red team for AIPX was made up of myself and a boy named Jeremy Stephens. I had no previous cooking competition experience whatsoever but I had about 6 years of working industry experience under me to help get me through. Jeremy had a bit more competition experience than I and had been working at a restaurant for about a year and a half. Last year, Jeremy was chosen to go to this exact same competition with a different partner (I didn't exist on the eligibility radar just yet) and had taken 2nd place, beating out the German and Austrian teams. Was I intimidated when I found this out???? Oh I wanted to puke when I did... this all comes into play I promise!

We left for our trip on an early September morning, I had been up a whole day before and since I worked for 10 hours before our flight, I figured why not continue to stay up. I did take a few naps throughout the 3 flights but never truly got any restful sleep. I had ended up being awake for about 36 hours... longest day of my life! Once we landed in Innsbruck, I was in total dismay that it was only 10 in the morning on Sunday. I just wanted to go to our rooms and go to sleep. However... we all needed to adjust to the time change and had to stay up for as long as possible. We spent all of Sunday exploring the city of Innsbruck, going around the town square, looking through the markets, getting adjusted to our rooms for the week and just spending time together as a team! Later that night, the black team and I spent about an hour and a half going through mental rounds (rounds where we were given random ingredients and we have to mentally concieve a dish with said ingredients and write it down) and we all got our mental planning down to 2 minutes which is fast! My partner had been asleep during the mental rounds which began to worry me about his commitment to the competition and if I was going to have to go about this on my own. Finally... the longest day of my life was over and I finally went to bed at 9.

Monday morning we woke up early to find the convention center and see the competition ahead of us. After some stalling with the car and driving around the block looking for a parking space, we finally entered into the convention center and found the kitchens that could potentially change the course of our future. The moment we walked in, all eyes were on Jeremy. The judges and coaches remembered him but wondered who was the new girl with him. As we walked closer to the kitchens, it was surreal to look at the arena I hade been preparing for intensely for my entire cooking career whether I had realized it or not. There were two identical kitchens separated by a wall and bleachers facing towards them so that an audience could sit and witness the magic that could ensue. I immediately sat down and began to watch the rounds taking place, I took notes on what was inside the baskets and getting my mind into the competition: what would I do with those ingredients? I'd turn to Jeremy and consult with him, bouncing back and forth culinary ideas and trying meld them together. I could tell that something was different with him though, I felt that he wasn't all there and I began to worry even more. I needed him fully there and I just didn't know what was going on with him; I had expressed my concerns to chef and she reassured me that he was fine and he was fully there... still I was worried. She told me that we needed to talk later in the day, just Jeremy and I, to get our anxities out and focus on what we came to do. We had spent a good few hours at the center watching and finally left to continue to explore the city and look more closely at the markets we had there. The produce was incredible! The foods were pure and unadulterated! Truly it was culinary heaven and I was blessed enough to see it! I enjoyed every minute being in those markets and seeing the dishes at estaurants, these people know how to treat their food. It isn't just a mass produced commodity, they take care into their foods, their menus, their dishes. It was truly incredible to see.

We went back to our rooms after the markets and I finally found a computer with wifi access (hallelujah!!!) and was able to get on Facebook to let everyone know who wanted to keep tabs with us on how to do so. Jeremy and I messaged each other for a bit and I told him that I wanted to win so bad. He told me to just talk to him, to shoot down his stupid ideas and tell him what I was thinking. I suggested individual rounds for just us and he said "see! great idea!" So we did, we had a couple rounds just the two of us to try and get on that level we needed to be. Then it was time for dinner. Later that night, both AIPX teams met up with the Charleston teams for dinner at an alright German restaurant (I'm not a big fan of German food to be honest...) and everything seemed to be going pretty well until about halfway through dinner. It seemed like the Charleston team was super interested in my partner and was asking him all kinds of questions and he was talking freely. As I was sitting next to him in silence, I was freaking out mentally about what I was hearing as far as the Q&A was going. Even though we were all Americans, I wanted no team to be given an upper hand against Jeremy and I. I tried to control my emotions but clearly was not doing a good job since he knew something was up. After dinner, we came back to our rooms and I hear a loud knock on my door. My coach all but grabbed me by my collar and took me to her room where Jeremy was. She said "I have given you two plenty of opportunities to talk to each other and break the ice. Looks like I'm going to have to do it for you."

We sat across the room from each other in silence until the coach said "Alright Marlee, what's wrong?" Way to be called out. So I told him about the night and how I was frustrated how he talked so freely to the other team about what he had done last year and that I did not want any other team to have an advantage. He apologized for that and had explained that it was more of a psych our tactic because they had no idea what they were headed for in the competition. He said that if he just started to spew off again, to just elbow him really hard. Then my coach said "I don't want you to worry about him, he is fully here. I've talked to him and he has a lot of pressure riding on this competition... I need you to trust me when I say that he's ok. Because you don't trust him do you?" I nodded slightly. Then we delved into the deep part of the talk where I was informed of the exact seriousness of the pressure my partner was facing on doing well in this competition; how highly my partner regarded me and how intimidated he had been of me "When the judges saw that I had come back, they asked me if I had brought back the same partner and I said 'no... she's better."; what he thought of when he first saw me taking notes during the first ever meeting about there even being an Austrian team "I sat in the back to scope out who all was there. I was only supposed to be the one to give information, I wasn't supposed to go. I looked around the room to see who I would want to be paired up with if I could go. I saw you taking notes from behind and thought 'I want this girl! She is smart and she is serious about this!"; what he thought when he found out that we were partners; why he wanted to cook; how he started out; what this meant to him. That night, his burden became mine. When people at school found out that Jeremy and I made up the Red Team, they said "you guys are going to take it, you are going to get him to the end!" but that wasn't even the extent of it, my partner had so many personal reasons to do well in the competition. At the end, I felt an immense responsibility to do well to get him to first place. I was the one with the experience, I needed to do all I could. There were some tears involved and finally, finally I felt as if we were a team! We had struggled for 3 months with our communication but never getting to where we needed to be to be the best we could possibly be. We finally understood each other and we were finally ready to do what we needed to do the next day.

Tuesday morning I got out of bed because, let's be honest, I was a total wreck and couldn't sleep. I said a prayer to help calm mine and Jeremy's nerves so that we could do the best we could that day and went off to get ready. I was dressed and had my face on and knocked on the boy's door, the black team boy opened the door and Jeremy saw me and immediately walked out of the door to go to breakfast with me. We didn't eat, we just sat at the table and tried to calm each other down. We tried to joke but never truly laughed. We left to go to the convention center and my heart was in my throat beating so hard. We got to the stands and sat next to each other and quietly watched the rounds before us.

We had to wait 3 hours before our round was up. Neither of us could sit still so we walked around the center a couple of times, got some soda and talked to keep our minds off of the round ahead of us. We came back, sat down again, and got back up to walk around again. Finally, with about 15 minutes we were supposed to go, we put on our aprons and hats and got ready for our turn. Chef talked to us for a few minutes, gave us a hug and took a few pictures. Then it was time.

I spent the first 10 minutes in the kitchen smelling every. single. spice. and tasting and discovering what each container held (everything was in freakin German!). I had become comfortable with everything, memorized the placements of the pots, pans, untensils and then looked at Jeremy, we were ready to take on this mystery basket!

The basket was placed in front of us and we were told to open it, our time started now! We were given two whole trouts, a steak of salmon, a tomato, and a bizarre green that had a citrus but wasabi-like spice to it.

We decided to do a Trout Papillote, tabouleh salad with wilted greens and roasted peppers, vermouth cream sauce, crispy leeks, and a sashimi-style salmon ceviche. We wrote and turned in our menu in 3 mintues... that meant we had 37 minutes to execute and plate our dish! We were off and did not stop until it was all over. Jeremy began breaking down the fish and I began everything else; he asked for something... bam! done! Component after component was knocked out. We were flying around that kitchen, I had so much adrenaline in my system that I had moved faster than I had ever done before. I could see out of my eye that Jeremy's hands were shaking while fab-ing out the fish and I had to keep talking to him, keep him calmed and focused. I had my bulgur sitting in water, working (or so I thought) for my tabouleh salad. I looked up to see the time on the clock and there was this Great Wall of China of people surrounding our kitchen. All eyes were on Team 8. I freaked out by how many people were there and how crowded we were but I kept pushing through. We had 5 minutes left and I discovered that my bulgur was still crunchy... not how it's supposed to be. I had no time to fix it, Jeremy tasted it and said to just go with it. We plated oour four plates and time was up. I looked at Jeremy with the expression of "did that just happen?!" He looked at me and began to clean. We cleaned our kitchen while our food was taken away to the presentation table and back to the judges to be tasted. I realized to my horror that I had prepared my bulgur incorrectly and began to feel sick thinking that I had costed us our chance at the competition. On the drive back to our rooms, I couldn't even think straight and ran the round over and over in my head. We'd find out if we made it the next day and I prayed that we had done enough.

The next day, the Black Team competed and I was nervous for them as well. They had a rough round and didn't have too good of results. Both teams were on edge and nervous as to our standings. We found out that we needed to come back around 5 that afternoon to see which teams had made it, so we killed time at the zoo before we had to go. We were back right at 5 and had to wait for another 45 minutes before the results were announced. I was the biggest stress case and so was Jeremy, we could not stand still one second. Finally the judges came up, speaking in German about how well everyone did and we shoul all be proud etc... they eventually got to where they were going to announce who moved on and who did not. If a team did not advance to the next round, they were given a certificate of participation and a goodie bag. If a team did make it to the next round, they were given a hand shake. I was all confused about it; after 4 teams were called up and their fate decided, Jeremy and my names were called. We went up to the stand and my hand was shaken. I thought "are you serious?!" All too soon were Jeremy and I given folders and goodie bags and told "see you next year!" I was stunned and had no idea what just happened. We came back to the group and asked the translator what was going on, she had no clue. Finally, as time went on... the Black Team was not passed through, neither were the Charleston teams. No Americans were passed on to the next round, I fought so hard to fight back my tears and be a good sport. I had let my partner down, I let my coach down, I let the school down, I let myself down... this wasn't supposed to happen. I turned to Jeremy and said "I'm so sorry." He grabbed me in for a hug and said "don't be stupid ok! You have nothing to be sorry about."

That was it. It was all over. No more competing. No more rounds for any of us the following day. We went back to our rooms and I grabbed Jeremy and said let's go for a walk. We walked around the property and talked about what had just happened and thinking of what could've been so wrong about our dish that we didn't make it through. Finally Jeremy clued me in and said "It was all political. Do you remember what the other teams did for their plates? We were the only ones given 2 proteins, we were on time, showed technique, worked clean, were sanitary. They pick who they want to win. They weren't going to get a Cinderella ending if they let us through. We did all we could but they didn't want us to pass through from the beginning. The other American coach cried when we didn't get passed through." "Why?" "Because a judge had pulled him aside and told him that you and I were making it to the next round." "We were?!" "I knew for a while, same thing happened to me. But something changed from when I was told to now. They had two lists didn't you see? They didn't read our names out of the folder like the others... but yet, we still weren't passed through." That's when it hit me... It didn't matter how much skill we showed, how much knowledge we let manifest on the plate or how many manipulations we could do with the proteins given to us. It didn't matter if we were on time, worked clean, or wore gloves and used hem correctly. We were never going to pass through. Someone had been rooting for us, but then again, someone was very upset that an American team got 2nd last year.

So that was it. The next morning, while others were sweating it in the kitchen, we went out of town and enjoyed our days off. We went to Imst and rode and Alpine coaster, toured a Brewery and had a ton of fun. Then Friday, we went to Italy. Yeah. That's right! Italy!! More specifically... Venice!!!! I'm not even lying! We had real Italian food and had many adventures. I stepped off of the plane, a new person. I became a stronger cook, gained more confidence, had a stronger sense of what to do with my life, and grew. Even though we didn't go on to do what we know we could've easily done, I would not change a single thing. It wasn't my time to win and shine. I had grown more during the process of becoming a competitor than I could've gained had I won. I learned that I was much better than I gave myself credit for and that I needed to trust in my ideas because my partner and coach did. I learned about 5 of the most misunderstood people of that school (myself included) in that one week in Austria than if I had never gone to that meeting in the first place. During our deep talk on that Monday night, chef had told Jeremy and I that she would've never trusted him with anyone else for a partner, that we had been brought together for a reason... two cooks with the same style and outlook on food and the same passion, we work great together and to never let that go. There is a reason why I was able to go to Austria despite the possible financial hardships that could've prevented the teams from even going, and there is a reason why Jeremy and I were put together out of the 25 other students chef could've paired me with. That trip and that competition has changed my life forever and I'm so grateful for the opportunity I had to go over there and experience a bit of Europe with the people I did! I couldn't imagine a better group to go with and laugh (and snort with) for an entire week, and I couldn't imagine a better partner to make amazing food with for the past 3 months. Partners for life Jeremy... partners for life!

The Beginning of An End

This week has been quite a bittersweet one for me... and it really hasn't fully on hit me yet as this being the end. The end of school and this competition. Tomorrow is my last actual day of classes, one week earlier than all of the others that are graduating. Looking back at the past 9 weeks, I can't believe that I actually did this! I made it through the most grueling months of my culinary school career. And I'm still breathing! I have officially lived to tell my story!! It can be done! Tuesday was my last ever cooking class at my school and it is so weird to think that I won't ever cook in those kitchens again (at least I think I won't). It was all just so surreal.

Looking back at the last year, I never thought I would be where I am today. I didn't think I would have had these opportunities or experiences that I have had since I've been in school. I'm so incredibly glad that I chose to go to culinary school to finally do what I absolutely love to do! It definitely hasn't been easy, at all. There were times where I honestly just wanted to give up because I didn't know if I made the right decision, if I was good enough. Now, in hindsight, I can see where everything fell into place perfectly in order for me to be able to go! It has all been such a huge blessing! I've learned so much and I've grown a ton while in school. I am so thankful for my chefs who have taught me over the past year and have put up with my moods and stupid ideas from time to time. I will always treasure my chefs' instructions, critiques, and advice. There is one in particular that I have especially connected with and will always be grateful for the mentor that he has been for me the entire time I have been there, whether I had been taking a class of his that quarter or not.

But with this beginning now coming to an end, it's time for another glorious chapter to start in my life and I couldn't be more excited! I have absolutely no idea what to expect from here on out! The world is in my hands, as my coach said to the team this morning. We have such a bright future ahead of us, we name our price! I am absolutely stoked about Austria! But I'm also sick to my stomach with anxiety and nerves. I don't want to let anyone down, I don't want to let myself down, I just want to do the best I can with no regrets or looking back and thinking "man, we could've done this instead of that!" I'm very blessed to have the partner that I do, one that has been in that exact same competition and can tell me what to expect. We're going to do well! I just can't choke once it's show time... cross our fingers I don't.

{both teams!!!}

Finally!!!

Dont' worry... it's not the finally... but...

Finally!!! My computer hadn't been getting internet for 5 days, so I've had to fall back on my iPod to stay in contact with the world around me (ie Facebook). Quick update as to the happenings of my life.

First of all. Practices started today!! In kitchen practices! It was amazing to see what my partner and I could come up with in 30 minute rounds with seemingly incohesive and random foods. We made it work! It was madness for 30 minutes but once time was called and we placed our plates on to the presentation table... what we had created was at times a little rough around the edges but the flavors and textures were magical and adventurous! I have more practical experience than my partner, I've been cooking a lot longer than he has. He, however, has been competing more than I have. He brings the speed and finesse, I bring the practicality and the knowledge to the table. It's been an amazing experience so far and I'm so incredible grateful to have this opportunity to go to Austria! A little bit of information though that I learned about the pressure of this current situation I have though is that.... last year, my partner and his former teammate he went with to Austria, got ranked SECOND place by .10 of a point. How the flip?! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Oh you bet I freaked out and almost got sick when I learned that! I immediately paid my check at the restaurant and went back to work in the library to study. This competition just got that much more real to me... Pressure!!!

Secondly. Yesterday marked a momentous day for me. 9 years ago, yep 9 years ago July 21, 2002, I was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints with my little brother! Let me just put a plug in for this for a second. These past 9 years have flown by sooo fast and honestly, I have to actually remember that I'm a convert some days, this all just seems like I was a member my whole life. I'm soooo incredibly grateful for the two missionaries that found my family on a secluded hill in San Diego and visited us every Friday to teach my brother and myself the restored gospel of Jesus Christ! My soul will be eternally indebted to them for their decision to serve a mission and to reactivate my parents as well as bring my brother and I into the church. This gospel has blessed my life tremendously in more ways than I can even comprehend. I love this church, I'm thankful for my testimony, I'm truly truly blessed! I am a Mormon and am dang proud of it!

Coincidentally, the same day as the 9 year anniversary, yesterday also marked only 4 1/2 months left! Yes you got that right folks... he's coming home fast! In yesterday's letter, the significant other expressed his excitement at how fast that very important day is approaching! I'm so incredibly grateful for this experience to have shared with my Honey! He makes me so proud and I'm so happy to have a missionary! If you had told me 4 years ago, that I was going to wait for a missionary, I would've laughed at your face and told you that you were an idiot! I guess I was proven wrong by a Higher Source. Talk about having to sit down and eating some humble pie... this one is a delicious one though! I have to put together his last package within a few weeks for his birthday and it's weird to start getting into the mentality of "this is the last such and such thing I have to buy." Honestly... I think the post office will miss my business a lot and my frequent visits. It's a lifestyle I've gotten used to and to be quite honest... it's weird to think he'll be home... BUT I'll get over that quite quickly I'm sure.

Lastly, I just want to express my appreciation for my fellow MG's (graduated and still in the waiting) that have helped me so much over the past year to get through all that I have! Seeing them get their men back has helped give me hope that I actually stand a chance in doing all of this! It's been an amazing journey and I love and appreciate all of the support, advice, love, excitement, concern, and what have you that these girls have given over the time I've been a part of this Secret Sisterhood. I'm just really grateful and happy and all I can do is express it! My life is wonderful. 'nough said.

It's Beginning to Thicken...

This week was the first week of team meetings for the competition in Austria. May I please express just how excited I am for this??? FREAKIN excited! The first day was just going over expectations of the competition, practice times, what we need to do as teammates to get in sync with each other, why we were paired together, suggestions to make each time as strong as possible, etc. It was really good to hear all of the suggestions and advice the coach had for us all. I was trying my best to focus and take it all in with just 3 hours of sleep the night before. I had to bow out a bit early since my job had scheduled me to work that morning. The next morning, we did verbal practices where the coach just gave us random items that popped into her head for us to try to design the plate and menu around. In the competition we'll only have about 5 minutes to plan before we cook; we started off with 7 minutes and each round, the coach brought us down just a bit until we reached 5 minutes. To be really honest, I was really intimidated at first and my teammate ran the first round as to what we could do with the ingredients told to us. After that though, I got more and more comfortable with my teammate and began to have confidence in my ideas. I actually come up with some good stuff. I had soooo much fun doing these mental practices and just hashing out ideas with my partner and seeing what we could come up with. Next week we actually begin to bang it out in the kitchen and make what we come up with. I'm quite nervous... we'll see how it goes. We had our first "publicity" event on Thursday, selling croissants and profiterols with vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce (yes... a bake sale). Anyway, it was awesome to tell people that the proceeds were for us to go to Austria and compete. A lot of people were excited to hear that the school was competing.

Things are starting to fall into place. This is really happening, I'm going to Austria to compete on an international level. I'll get my competition jacket and my practicing jacket. I only hope I can make my school proud half way around the world against pros. It's a lot of pressure, it's going to happen really quickly. Hopefully it doesn't happen too quickly and make me explode. I'm definitely excited to go though! Life is going to be fun for the next 9 weeks!

New and Exciting Things

Many new and exciting things happening here shortly!! First of all, 150 days until I get to see that boy of mine again! I'm getting beyond excited, it's probably really annoying :) Secondly, today I get to start reading the Book of Mormon with that same boy today! By the end of TJ's first month, I was having a hard time missing him and wondering how to keep us growing together so that we would still be on the same page when he came home and one of my lovely roommates, who happened to help me so much during the first 6 months, suggested that we read our scriptures together and talk about what we've learned. This suggestion has helped us grow so much; I ran the idea past TJ and he loved the idea so much and so we ran with it. Our goal was to read all 4 books of the Standard Works during his mission and for the past 17 months we have successfully (and sometimes slowly) trekked our way through the Doctrine and Covenants, Pearl of Great Price, the Old Testament, and the New Testament. Now, for the last leg of his mission, we get to read the book that is the cornerstone of our religion, the book which he teaches and converts people from. I already have a strong testimony of the truthfulness of this amazing book but I know that there is going to be something special about reading the Book of Mormon with my missionary while he gives his all this special work these last few months. I can't wait to grow even more alongside him and I'm so excited for this little journey!

Yesterday I had fully off of work (a day off on a Friday?! in a restaurant?! whaaa???) and I took full advantage of it! I washed my little car from this HUGE dust storm we had over here, replaced her wipers, and made an amazing dinner for my family and my newly engaged friend and her fiance! I had the hardest time coming up with this dish for a couple of days and finally the day of, I came up with it! Let me just say... I can kinda cook ;)

I made a Moroccan Broiled Salmon with Israeli Pearled Couscous, white corn, butter braised radishes, and seared bok choy. Ummm... yum?! But the family, friend, and fiance all loved it! As my friend and her significant other were eating the dinner, the fiance said that he needed to treat me to ice cream as a form of payment. My argument was I've got 5 months left to try and look ok for my guy when he comes home, I can't be eating ice cream. After about 3 go arounds with us saying the same thing, he finally said "I'll train you for the next 5 months." He's dead serious. So I'm excited, my butt is finally going to get kicked and get in shape! Me= happy!

I need to give a quick shout out to Kendahl, my best MG friend ever! She is getting to reaching her boys year mark in just 5 days and I'm so excited for her! She has been such a positive light to me and I'm so glad to have her! She's always there for support, to listen to, to get excited with, to swap stories and ideas with. She's been such an amazing friend to me for the past 8 months and I'm so lucky to have her in my life! We've become great friends through Facebook, texting, and our weekly Sunday Skype dates! I hope I've told her enough how much I appreciate her love and friendship!

On Thursday, I picked up my last school schedule ever!!!! Well probably not ever, but my last one at this school! It's a bittersweet moment because I'm so excited to get out in the real world and just be totally encompassed by the industry but at the same time... I've had a lot of great memories at school and have met a lot of incredible chefs who have made me who I am today! I get to take my last cooking class at AIPX with the chef who started me off and I'm excited for the butt riding he's going to give me while in class (he knows I'm going to Austria so he's going to be right in my ear the entire 9 weeks of his class). I'm so excited for this last quarter, all that I've been dreaming about for years is starting to wrap up in the next few months and then I get to start my career as a young culinarian. This also means that I get to start the ever amazing eeeearly morning practices for the competition! They start next Wednesday morning at 6 am... all I can say is heaven help me. I'm very very excited for the amazing things coming up in my life these next 3 months, time is going to fly by and I absolutely cannot wait! I may not be posting as much once school and practice starts but at least I'll have cool stories and pictures when I do!

Many Thoughts

So first and foremost of my thoughts going on in my head... TJ has been out for exactly 19 months today!! Holla! I'm so stinkin excited and will possibly be getting even more annoying as time goes on because this means I only have 5 more months until I get to see him again!!!! AHHHHH :) freaking out has now officially begun. Please feel free to freak out with me... only if you would like to!

Another thought quite related to this... Kendahl (my bff MG) and I are obsessed with wedding videos, in particular done by one David Perry. He's based in Salt Lake and we basically stalk his video blog! AHmazing is all I can say! If I would be able to afford it... I'd LOVE for him to do my wedding. But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. However... I would love to share the newest video he has up (I secretly love it more because it's in San Diego... and I'm from there!) and the first like... 30 seconds is really all ya'll really need to pay attention to because it just makes me so happy!

http://davidperryfilms.squarespace.com

Anyway.. probably the only time I'll share something like this until I'm engaged. So enjoy it!

More thoughts. Totally unrelated to my personal life... let me just say that I've never been so frustrated with a single job in all of my working career... that is, all six years of it. I come home most nights so frustrated and upset with either myself, the job, the industry, or a wonderful combo of all three. Even after my vent session with my adored mentor one night, sometimes I can't help but wonder if I'm being pushed too hard. If people think I'm better and stronger than I really am. Maybe my expectations and those that others have for me are too hard for me to obtain. Too much growth in a short amount of time?? Definitely getting stress marks from all of this. Don't get me wrong, the place I'm at right now is great but there's just always one thing a day that totally throws me off and blows my goals for the day. Sometimes I feel like I'm either being stagnent or even regressing. No forward movement has been made it seems and it's terrible to feel like that's what's really happening.

On top of all of this, it begins to make me worried that maybe I am over my head on going to Austria. Maybe I'm really just going to make a fool of myself when I get over there. The only word I can think of right now that describes the majority of what I'm feeling is: frustration. I just... it can't be this hard, can it? It's just been a super hard week, working the five days; I'm very much ready to have 4 days off this week and do some relaxing things and get my head back into the game before I jump off into the deep end.

Good news is though... only 5 more months until my comfort and serenity comes back and my stress leaves me. An eternity free of stress... best reward ever for 2 years of trial.

Growing Pains...

Hey all! It's been forever since I last posted and the reason being... my computer was at the doctors for about a week and a half... and I can't post from my iTouch (lame sauce) but now I'm back! So now you all are back to being subjected to my thoughts, joy.

First is a bit of some amazing news! There is an opportunity to be a part of a competition team from my school that is going to Austria to compete against some of the industry's top people world wide... guess who gets to compete?! Yeah. ME!! Say wha?! Who told them I was good enough... psh I don't know but I do know is that I'M GOING TO AUSTRIA!!! yeah baby! here

is a map of Austria just so you know what this tiny country looks like:

The competition is going to be held in Innsbruck, Austria which is smack dab in the middle between the German and Italian borders. So not only do I get to go to freakin Austria and show up industry professionals in competitions but I'll also be able to spend a day in Germany and a day in Italy! Whaaaa! Am I excited?! Maybe just a little... and the best part of it all.... I don't pay a single thing for it! (except the passport... that's it!) I'm going to Austria!

However.... a BIG however... going to Austria is going to involve a lot of pain (mentally, emotionally, physically etc) in order to be prepared for what is ahead. I'm going to have to practice... a lot. Practices are going to be at 6 am, 3-4 days a week. 2 hours long. From July 13th until we leave in September. Then research on top of it. Getting into a flow with my partner in crime so that we can smash it in Austria. It means that my self-value and perception of how I do my food will be absolutely crushed within the first hour of practice. One look from the coach and I will know that my food sucked. I will get back into that low spot where I began to believe that I had absolutely no business in this industry and that I'm not good enough... this is all part of the molding. This will prepare me for what's to come in Innsbruck... this is what's going to make me the best.

My mentor wants me to get a second job. I love the man but sometimes I question where his head is sometimes; it's hard to keep up with someone like him... he's always thinking a step or five ahead of everyone else. He was the one who introduced me to my current job. Now he wants to to take on another job after I graduate in September at a restaurant that is heading very close to a James Beard award or recognition. I'd be a junior sous chef, doing production; checking in deliveries; talking to farmers; working closely next to one of the best chefs in AZ. Another chef to yell at me. Sometimes I wonder if the monster he's trying to turn me into is too big for what I can handle. Sure... mold me, I'm willing... but sometimes I question the sanity, even my own.

This growing into a monster, taking the steps necessary, is a lot harder and more painful I'd ever imagined it being. Mind you, I haven't grown since the ninth grade, I'm not used to this growing thing. It hurts. I begin to wonder if it all really is worth it; if it truly will bring me happiness. I've never worked so hard for something so far off in the distance. I guess the painful thing about this whole journey is not being able to clearly see what the end is. I'll just have to keep trucking a long and say "yes chef" to see where I end up.