If You Can't Handle the Heat....

I realized this week just how strong of a person I am when it comes to dealing with crap put out in the kitchen. It is quite cliche and everyone has heard of this statement but honestly... if you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen! Get out of my kitchen son.

For 3 months, I went through some of the worst times that made fellow cooks question as to why I was still at my job. I even wondered why I was still there. What was keeping me there? I honestly had no idea other than just the goal of staying somewhere for an entire year before moving on to a new kitchen. But I stayed! I never gave up, I came reeeeeeallly close believe you me. But I stayed.

This past week we had a new guy starting on sandwiches for lunch service. Sandwiches. How hard is that? Let's get real... I have to run 2 stations. That equates to cutting and making salads to order, pulling and building flatbreads to order, build desserts to order, do prep, make vinaigrette's, switch out both stations and start to set up for the night cooks. Do I get yelled at? I used to. For the longest time I thought I was the slowest and messiest cook at work; I had diminished my self confidence because of constantly being yelled at during service.

All homeboy had to do was build sandwiches, set up his station and just. make. sandwiches. He was slow and couldn't keep up; my sides were waiting on him. The chef was telling him to step it up and get it together. He ran out of stuff and it was just a rough lunch for him. I thought he did alright though... but what do I know... I'mjustasaladgirl... The next day he came into work 45 minutes late and threw in the towel. He "helped" set up the station and deuced out... Really??? he said that he couldn't handle the "hostile" environment and the constant being yelled at... Boy you wanna not be yelled at??? You are in the wrong industry. Chef's don't know how to talk with inside voices... it's too loud in the kitchen. If you think you suck when you start at a new kitchen, you're right! You do... but still not knowing sets for sandwiches after 5 lunch services... check into becoming a gym teacher... not much you have to do there.

Obviously, I don't appreciate primadonnas in the kitchen, especially when they believe they deserve certain things when they're the new guy. My advice: get over yourself and just bang out dishes. "Yes Chef" "Yes Chef" "Yes Chef." It's just food. Once you get people in the mix... that's when things get messy.

It boosted my confidence when my chef told me how good I have been doing the past 6 months there and how he wants to progress me in the kitchen, where he wants me to move and how valuable he sees me. I am actually good at my job. Looks like a girl can hold her own in a kitchen... I out lasted a new guy by just doing what I do best.

It's Not Them...

So I don't know about ya'll but I've never been told "it's not me, it's you." Well maybe I have... in a very indirect way. Anyways, yesterday after what I thought was just going to be an informational interview with my chef at work, turned out to be a conversation about how I seem inconsistent as to my happiness at work and how I come off across to people. Apparently I have come across as rude and unapproachable quite a few times to those with whom I work. I kept my defenses to myself and just listened to the oppositions arguement as to what he saw going on. It was interesting to have my perception changed to see it. "It" being the bigger picture. After much reflection last night and more today, I've come to realize how much my vision had narrowed the more stressed and frustrated I had become that I hadn't tried to see if I was coming off across as an unapproachable and disrespectful cook. I had allowed my pity parties for one with a side of "wo is me's" cloud my personality and tarnish my positive outlook on life which over time had slowly started to create me into a bitter monster cook at work who, matter-of-factly, wasn't progressing hardly at all.

I came to realize that my negative mindset, frustration-induced "I'm not good enough" and "I can't do this" thoughts has so far made it impossible for me to overcome these obstacles that have constantly been in my way. I don't know how to get over these hurdles and progress forward. What I do know now is that I need to change my outlook, have an attitude adjustment and start believing in my abilities in order to get the things done that are necessary for my job. I need to step up to the plate. I have accepted that it is me. I need to change. I need to find what I can learn from this job and start believing in myself or else nobody else will.

Many Thoughts

So first and foremost of my thoughts going on in my head... TJ has been out for exactly 19 months today!! Holla! I'm so stinkin excited and will possibly be getting even more annoying as time goes on because this means I only have 5 more months until I get to see him again!!!! AHHHHH :) freaking out has now officially begun. Please feel free to freak out with me... only if you would like to!

Another thought quite related to this... Kendahl (my bff MG) and I are obsessed with wedding videos, in particular done by one David Perry. He's based in Salt Lake and we basically stalk his video blog! AHmazing is all I can say! If I would be able to afford it... I'd LOVE for him to do my wedding. But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. However... I would love to share the newest video he has up (I secretly love it more because it's in San Diego... and I'm from there!) and the first like... 30 seconds is really all ya'll really need to pay attention to because it just makes me so happy!

http://davidperryfilms.squarespace.com

Anyway.. probably the only time I'll share something like this until I'm engaged. So enjoy it!

More thoughts. Totally unrelated to my personal life... let me just say that I've never been so frustrated with a single job in all of my working career... that is, all six years of it. I come home most nights so frustrated and upset with either myself, the job, the industry, or a wonderful combo of all three. Even after my vent session with my adored mentor one night, sometimes I can't help but wonder if I'm being pushed too hard. If people think I'm better and stronger than I really am. Maybe my expectations and those that others have for me are too hard for me to obtain. Too much growth in a short amount of time?? Definitely getting stress marks from all of this. Don't get me wrong, the place I'm at right now is great but there's just always one thing a day that totally throws me off and blows my goals for the day. Sometimes I feel like I'm either being stagnent or even regressing. No forward movement has been made it seems and it's terrible to feel like that's what's really happening.

On top of all of this, it begins to make me worried that maybe I am over my head on going to Austria. Maybe I'm really just going to make a fool of myself when I get over there. The only word I can think of right now that describes the majority of what I'm feeling is: frustration. I just... it can't be this hard, can it? It's just been a super hard week, working the five days; I'm very much ready to have 4 days off this week and do some relaxing things and get my head back into the game before I jump off into the deep end.

Good news is though... only 5 more months until my comfort and serenity comes back and my stress leaves me. An eternity free of stress... best reward ever for 2 years of trial.